By Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris

When my husband was recently made redundant at his senior development role at a major UK University, I knew what I was letting myself in for. I should, as he announced it to me on the day my new book: “Female Breadwinners” went to the printers. Talk about ironic timing! Because so many of the women I worked with earned the majority of their family income, I had been immersing myself in both the challenges and advantages female breadwinners face for several years before.

In the UK and US one in four women living with a male partner out-earn him, and huge increase since the start of the decade when I was born; the 1970’s when it was just one in twenty women. The consequences of relationships where she’s the main earner can rock couples, the workplace and society. But are the professional achievements of high-earning women negated by relationship woes – or is this a enviable model we should aspire to for the future?

Couples experience a range of emotions when thinking about how her higher earnings impact them. They may feel everything from pride and gratitude to resentment and confusion over gender expectations that were laid down long before women entered the workforce. Yet it’s a taboo topic many women avoid discussing for fear of appearing disloyal to husbands or to salve his ego. Did this secrecy mean it wasn’t an issue for these women and the men in their lives? Far from it. As Annie, a documentary filmmaker said: ‘It’s the biggest discussion we don’t have. If we have a row about anything, money’s the one area we avoid. It’s just too problematic.’

playing ‘second fiddle’ to a woman who is the main earner can be a real competitive challenge for some men

Explaining why they avoid talking about her earnings compared to her husband’s, who is investing his time and savings in a start-up online retailer, Annie said: ‘If you open up that can of worms, you can never go back. My way of dealing with it is to avoid bringing it up. I know if that if I forced the issue, about him contributing more with the children, for example, it could get ugly. If I looked at it like his or my money, we’d have a lot more trouble.” So as the number of female breadwinner rise, what are the challenges they face entering uncharted territory between the genders?

Certainly, playing ‘second fiddle’ to a woman who is the main earner can be a real competitive challenge for some men who love higher-earning women. This was particularly true if their lower earnings was not by choice – but through job loss, illness or redundancy. However, resentment cuts both ways and is certainly not reserved for men.

Carly and Luke typified this struggle. Luke resigned from two different jobs without first talking with his wife, Carly. She explained: ‘ I knew he wasn’t completely happy in those roles, but knowing I’m there to pay the mortgage makes it easier for him to be impulsive.’ Carly’s secure salary means she can’t take the kind of career risks Luke does. She laments: ‘He compares every job to the first great job he ever had. I have brought it up subtly with him, but I don’t feel I can be completely honest.’

Obviously, having a partner whose employment is stable and well-paying means the other partner can take more career risk. Problems only arise if the main earner isn’t getting the support they need. Tensions arose because of Luke’s reluctance to increase his domestic workload, particularly during his spells of unemployment. Carly sighed: ‘I would get the children up, feed them, take them to school and pick them up. When we’d get home no laundry had been done or food prepared and he’d just say he’d been busy. It got to be very frustrating because he loved to also remind me he was ‘wearing the knickers in the house’ since I was the one earning.’

Problems only arise if the main earner isn’t getting the support they need.

Perhaps not surprisingly, many women did a disproportionate amount of the domestic chores, even when they worked longer hours and were the main earners. Carly explained: ‘ I think he found it difficult to do the cleaning and cooking because it was ‘women’s work’.” Other research published in the American Journal of Sociology, corroborates what Carly noticed; recently unemployed men actually do less housework than men in full time employment. Doing the washing and other ‘women’s work’ is adding insult to injury when they are already questioning their sense of identity and contribution. However, female breadwinning is not a formula for marital disaster or a harbinger of societal decay. It can be a real advantage for women and indeed, men.

Since the 1970‘s married men have enjoyed average household earning gains of 60 percent while single men have seen falls of nearly 20 percent. Simply put, wives are bring home the bacon! This is fantastic news for married men: increased household spending power with decreasing pressure to be the person who solely provides it!

Too frequently, the media portrays high-earning women as ‘ball breakers’ who revel in emasculating the men around them. In truth, when female breadwinners have supportive partners, I found they took pains to show gratitude. Women recognise how rare and valuable supportive partners are – and how vital they are to an ambitious woman’s career success. In fact, one of the biggest benefits to these relationships is how many men indeed provide the emotional and domestic help to let their wives shine outside the home

Indeed, many men who stayed at home full-time did so with aplomb and with their sense of confidence and masculinity intact.

They often fulfill the role professional men have come to expect from their wives as a matter of right – someone to keep the family, house and social responsibilities on track. As one investment banker said of her husband: ‘Actually Graham’s the most brilliant corporate wife. He comes to all my events, and talks me up to people. He’s good-looking and charming as well. He’s must better than I would be if the roles were reversed. I’m rubbish at small talk, whereas he can charm anyone.’

Similarly, when I asked Vashti, a security specialist, what drew her to her husband, she answered: ‘Being with Terence made me realise I had more potential than I gave myself credit for. He encouraged me to apply for my first management position which shaped my career hugely. He’s the first person I talk to about any career issue. He’s a great friend and mentor.’

Indeed, many men who stayed at home full-time did so with aplomb and with their sense of confidence and masculinity intact. At my suggestion during our interview that some men find making the shift to primary caregiver difficult, Jackie, a former sales executive, was adamant it wasn’t a problem for them. She said: ‘ Donald’s been brilliant. He’s never had an issue that I’m the one who brings home the money. He always refers to himself as the “back-up team’’ to remind me he has things covered. He’s my biggest supporter.’ Allowing themselves to be the ‘back-up’ team gave many female breadwinners the confidence to know that their children were with a care-giver who loved them as much as they did, which gave them the reassurance and ability to get back to their day job.

Many of the women were very grateful to their husbands for the support they gave, often commenting they “couldn’t have done it without him”. Several mentioned they thought their husbands were better suited to being at home with the kids than they were, though this could bring out a sense of underlying competition.  Maureen, whose husband stays at home with their daughter, smiled: ‘Next week is half-term and I am sure he has not given a single thought to where Sarah is going to be during the day. If I asked him to, he probably would organise something.’

Maureen is not complaining too bitterly, however, as she continued: ‘Having said that, I’m not sure I’d want him to take it on. Planning her school breaks validates my role as her mother. It helps me feel I’m still a good mum.’  This was true for other mothers I spoke with as well. The added responsibilities of childcare were often a reminder to themselves that they were still needed, no matter how capable dad might be. There is an element of women thinking, I’d like more help, but I wouldn’t want him to be too good at it!

As explained by Adrienne Burgess in the groundbreaking book, Fatherhood Reclaimed: ‘The old-style feminist argument seems to be that “we’ve invited men in” (to fatherhood) and they “haven’t been interested”. This attitude ignores the enormous cultural and structural barriers to men’s participation in family life. For men to become close to their children, these barriers will have to be taken as seriously and tackled as consciously as the dismantling of barriers to women’s participation in the wider world.’

When men are willing to step up to these roles, breadwinning mothers must get out of their way.

While supportive partners were a real benefit to female breadwinners, I think the greatest advantage these couples demonstrate is choice. These families are pragmatic, and realistic that the role of the main earner could change overnight, particularly in a difficult economy. They strategically put their energy in the career with the most long-term potential…increasingly hers. They make career and family decisions based on what works for them as individuals – rather than on society’s gender expectations. Female breadwinning allows far greater choice for both women…and men.

Female Breadwinners: How they Make Relationships Work and Why They are the Future of the Modern Workplace is available now on Amazon. For more career resources for professional women or more information on the book or about career strategies for working women, visit www.femalebreadwinners.com – Buy the book – Female Breadwinners here